[***]
[GROANS]
[SIGHS]
What's the first derivative of kinetic energy
with respect to velocity?
I don't know.
What goes "quack"?
I don't know.
Ahem.
Ahem!
Hey, kids.
Put away your stupid homework for a minute
and look at Mommy.
She's going out with her man tonight.
Where should we tell Dad you went?
It's your father I'm going out with.
At least he cared enough to remember my birthday,
which is more than Ican say for certain two people
who sprang painfully, and in some cases,
backwards from my loins.
We would've gotten you something,
but last year you said,
"If I ever start to look as old
"as Mrs. McKelvey across the street
I never wanna have a birthday again. "
Mrs. McKelvey is 50.
Just wait till I find out when your birthdays are.
Mine's in February.
I'm an Aquarium.
And an empty one.
Where's Dad takin' you?
Oh, I don't know.
He just said to wear something special.
Gee, I hope it's dinner and dancing at the Beef Trough.
That's our place, you know.
[LAUGHS]
Peg...
you look fabulous!
You're gonna knock 'em dead at the bowling alley.
The bowling alley?
You're taking me bowling on my birthday?
It's your birthday?
Kids, tonight Mommy rides in the front seat.
Uh, hey, what're you kids doin'?
Homework. Got finals comin' up.
Well, put it away. This is something really important.
Now...
as we all know,
my good friend Puggy Weaver is leaving the neighborhood.
So this is my last chance to break his alley record
in front of his sweaty, pork-like little face.
I've been training for weeks,
avoiding anything that would hurt me:
red meat, red wine...
redheads.
And those energy-draining showers.
Behind every successful man is a woman who didn't marry me.
Now, you, my children,
have the important task
of recording my victory for posterity.
Too many a great Bundy moment
has been lost for lack of a camera.
Oh, honey, we had a camera on our honeymoon.
You just kept beating the flash.
Well, Peg, if you recall,
I was doing fine till you came into the room.
Come on, Peg.
This'll be the first birthday you begin in an alley.
Kids, get the cameras.
Peg, get my ball.
Al, it's my birthday.
You're right. I'll carry the ball.
You go push-start the car.
Let's go!
Ready, Dad.
AL: I'm entering!
Widen.
Did you get your mother?
Yeah, Dad.
Rewind.
Hi.
I'm Al Bundy at Jim's Bowlarama.
Feelin' good, feelin' spry.
What have we here?
A plaque,
which denotes the highest game in Bowlarama history,
a plaque which will soon read, "Al Bundy. "
Yep.
Al Bundy, Al Bundy
Brave, courageous and bold
Long live his fame
And long live his glory
Long may his story be told
Still picture, please.
Daddy, help.
I'm blind!
Let us bowl!
Daddy?
[SNIFFING]
Somethin' die in here?
Oh. Bundy.
Puggy.
I didn't recognize you
with your fist out of your nose.
So I understand you're leavin' town.
I guess you'll be packin' up the wife, kids,
and the 300-pound hooker you visit every Friday after work.
So I just stopped by
to give you a little goin'- away present.
Al "The King" Bundy
will now do to your record
what time has done to your face.
Peg...
unzip it.
The bag, Peg.
There's a spot on my ball.
Peg!
Sorry, girls. He's taken.
Start tape.
BUD: Ready, Dad.
Frame one:
the Bundy legend.
Stee-rike!
Well, it's gonna be a long evening, Mom.
You want me to order a couple of beers?
For you, and, uh,
some ice cream with gummy bears for me?
Stee-rike!
Still a long way to 256, Bundy.
Not for your wife, Puggy.
Al,
I'm bored.
Peg, this is a bowling alley.
Surely you can find something to do?
Well, I just can't decide.
Let's see.
Tennis, baccarat, chamber music.
Oh, I know.
Maybe those gentlemen scratching their behinds
are having a poetry reading.
Peg, bowl!
Oh, yeah, that would look really great.
There is nothing more pathetic
than a woman who bowls alone.
[SIGHS]
Well, here we are again.
Marcie?
Peggy!
Oh!
This isn't as pitiful as it seems.
Well, actually,
I was told this is a good place to meet men.
And it is.
Why, just last week, I met two guys.
Of course, they left together.
Yep, the single life for me.
Oh, yeah.
This is the place to find a good one.
You know, there's nothing wrong
with dating a doctor or a lawyer,
but when you are really ready to settle down...
[CHUCKLES]
...you can't beat a bowler.
Frame eight:
With grim determination,
Bundy picks up his ball,
knowing all he needs is two strikes
and eight little pins
and a certain pork pie's record is history.
Oh, there is no joy in Pugville.
Mighty Bundy shall strike out.
Just bowl, shoemeister.
Al, honey,
I just bowled four strikes in a row.
Shut up, Peg.
Stee-rike!
Honey, this really is so exciting.
I mean, four strikes in a row!
I've never done that before.
Come on, you gotta come see.
Peg, this is your birthday,
please don't make me kill you.
Okay, okay.
I'll be quiet.
Honey?
Huh?
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh!
A 2-4-10 split.
You gotta pick all them up and bowl a strike
if you wanna break my record.
What did you want, Peg?
Well, I just wanted to wish you good luck.
Away, woman!
One more strike to go!
PEG: Stee-rike!
Ah, heh.
Are you ready, Bud?
Ready, Dad.
Kelly?
Good girl, Kelly.
This is for all the marbles.
Stee-ee...
...ee-ee-eeee...
...rike!
I did it!
Two-fifty-seven!
I got it on tape!
My life is not for nothing!
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
I'm so happy!
Nothing can ruin this moment.
PEG: Stee-rike!
Hey, the broad in the gown
just bowled six strikes in a row!
You've got six strikes in a row, Peggy.
Gee, I wonder what the Bowlarama record is.
Uh, Peg. I'm done.
We can go home now.
She can't go now.
She's bowling a once-in-a-lifetime game.
Yeah, Dad. Look.
I mean, three more strikes and your record's history.
Oh, uh,
Dad?
Could you, sweat this way, please?
Al, wouldn't it be great if I broke your record?
[LAUGHS]
Oh, man.
That'd be the icing on the tombstone.
Any tips for tomorrow's losers?
I hope someone's filming you
during the reading of my will.
Ah, who cares? I'm not worried.
Bud, your mother has a 60 average,
just like in high school.
There's no way she could possibly continue to...
MARCIE: Strike!
Throw strikes.
See, what you gotta know about bowling
is that anybody can make a lucky shot.
But over the long run, the game is set up
so only the truly skillful...
MARCIE: Strike!
Get that stupid thing out of my face!
Peg, listen, honey.
I was just thinkin',
this is no place to spend the evening.
You're all dressed up. This is your birthday.
I know! What say we go home,
I take my shirt off, you rub my back.
I can't, honey.
Didn't you hear?
I have eight strikes in a row.
Just wait here.
I'm gonna break your record.
What a great birthday!
BUD: Hey, Dad.
A little hemlock on the rocks, eh?
Not yet, son.
I still have one weapon left.
Watch.
Oh, Peg.
Please make this strike for me.
You'll make me the happiest man on Earth.
Aw. See, I've...
I got a little money ridin' on you, Peg.
Do it for me, baby.
Do it, honey. Mwah!
[GIGGLING] [LAUGHING]
Gutter ball.
[SCREAMING]
Strike!
A new alley record!
Unbelievable!
Well...
nothin' much left to say but goodbye, eh, Dad?
Aw, it doesn't matter. It's no big thing.
Well, whatever she bowls,
I'll just come back and beat her.
I'll bowl every night of my life
until that record is mine.
How bad can it be?
What's she bowling, 260?
MARCIE: Strike!
270, Dad.
Not impossible.
Oh, Al.
Honey, I need you.
Marcie says
that I am three balls away from a perfect game.
A perfect game!
Oh, but, honey, I'm nervous.
I mean, what if I mess up
like you did on our honeymoon?
Al, help me.
Hey, everybody!
I've got a woman working on a perfect game here.
She's a little nervous,
so I want quiet.
That means no comments about her shaking hands,
her... fading strength,
or her... outdated dress that doesn't fit anymore
on, yet this, another birthday.
So go ahead, honey, bowl.
And remember,
I want absolute quiet!
Aah!
[SCREAMING]
You, sir, are Satan's toejam.
I know what you're up to,
trying to sabotage your own wife.
Is there no limit to how low you'll go?
Well, I wouldn't kiss you on a bet.
Can't you let this woman have one night of joy?
She has so little.
She's married to you.
You've seen her children.
And now, for one fleeting moment,
she has a chance to bask in the sun
instead of reeling from the moons.
Now, go! Encourage her.
Peg,
our children were killed in an avalanche.
Bowl, Peggy.
Okay.
Bowl like the wind.
We're all behind you.
Can't beat a 300 game, I guess.
Well, you know,
I never really liked bowling, anyway.
Yeah, those 20 years of practice
just got me ready for what I really like to do.
That's sit in the backyard in a lawn chair,
let the buzzards pick at my eyes.
She won't do it, Dad.
I mean, the chances of her bowling a perfect game
are a million-to-one.
I mean, even pros don't bowl...
Strike!
[CROWD CHEERS]
One more!
One more, and she's got it.
God, you must feel low.
Kelly, come here.
Now, kids, do you know what we're witnessing here?
A... A perfect game?
No, no.
The Bundy curse.
It's what keeps us from being happy.
There's no point in fighting it.
It's what separates us from the ordinary losers.
They can have their moments,
but not us.
Never us.
But Mom's having a major moment now,
and she's a Bundy.
She's not truly a Bundy.
See, your mother's just a Bundy by marriage.
She's part of the curse.
But we are blood Bundys.
We are truly doomed.
ALL [WEAKLY]: Whoa, Bundy.
Okay, Al.
Okay, honey.
This one's for you.
I know it is, Peg.
I know. Okay.
CROWD: Aw!
Yes!
I can bowl again!
[CHEERING]
I did it! I did it!
Oh, my God! Al! Al!
Honey! Honey, I bowled a perfect game!
Aren't you proud of me?
Al?
[OVER TV] Hi. Garrett Glaser for News Wrap-Up.
A tragedy was narrowly averted today
when a man returning home from a bowling alley,
where his wife just bowled a perfect game,
raced into a burning building,
saved a family of 10 and the family dog, Winky.
Mr. Bundy, what made you do it?
Well, Garrett, I've always been a winner.
And winners are always there at the winnin' time.
Mr. Bundy, people around here
are talking about running you for mayor.
[CHUCKLES] Well...
I'm not saying I won't run.
But if I do,
order the beer and get your bribes out,
'cause as I said before,
I am a winner.
CROWD [CHANTING]: Bundy! Bundy!
Mom, why is Dad watching a blank screen?
I don't know.
But he seems happy.
He may have just snapped, Mom.
Well, it's not like you need a brain to sell shoes.
Come on, kids.
Help Mommy put her big trophy
in front of Daddy's little ones.
[LAUGHS]
Good night, honey.
Good night, Daddy.
Good night, Dad.
Hi, everybody, I'm Roy Firestone.
Our guest tonight on Sportslook
personally rewrote the record book
on both offense and defense.
Meet the future hall-of-famer,
Al "Icky" Bundy.
You know, Al, I can't help but notice the fact
that you're wearing your football jersey
three months after the season was played.
Well, Roy, it fits good, and the chicks love it.
[CHUCKLES]
Al, if we could get serious for just a few moments.
Your wife's bowling game, the perfect 300 score...
did it in any way affect you...
mentally?
Well, it might have affected me, Roy,
if I didn't have anything else in my life.
But, you know, between the NFL and the endorsements,
and of course being knighted by the Queen of England...
Well, what the hell, let the little lady
have her little moment in the sun, you know.
If there was a single word,
a single word that would define
the essence of you, Al,
what do you think that word would be?
Winner.
Al Bundy, ladies and gentlemen.
Husband, father,
football player,
bullfighter,
aviator,
inventor of the seven-day underwear...
Truly, truly the complete man.
Thank you, Al, for joining us. We really appreciate it.
Hey, it's your dime, Roy.
We'll be back with more on Sportslook right after this.
[***]